To be honest, I don’t know what I should be typing for this entry or why am I even making one. But one thing is certain; I have to express my feelings through writing.
Have you ever felt it? Butterflies that flutter in your stomach, lack of sleep only to wait for a text message, and suddenly smiling for no apparent reason? Well, I did. And these are just some of the things that paved way for me to fall in love.
Yes, I have been in love. I have felt that tremendous feeling of being treated as someone special and likewise. However, with love comes pain. It is inevitable. And with that fact, it should already be obvious that I have been hurt, too.
Three days ago, it was suppose to be the first anniversary of my then boyfriend. Except that things have changed for the both of us. We never made it on our first anniversary as a couple. It hurts, right? I’d like to believe that most couples would want their relationship to last forever but I did not get my fair share of a happy ending. Not now… not with him. I used to think that once I enter a relationship, I want it to be my first and last one but it definitely didn’t stay true with me. You see, that guy and I broke up a couple of months ago. At first, I was perfectly dealing well with the break-up but just as the day of the anniversary is coming nearer, I’m starting to feel the sadness that it has caused on me. They say grief occurs in five stages. First, there’s denial, followed by anger. Then bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you’re free, you realize you never stood a chance. I have experienced all those five stage. And I must say, I was in denial for the longest time. Denying doesn’t mean that I cannot accept the truth that it was totally over BUT I think of it like the relationship itself never happened. Everything about the two of us was inexistent. Yes, I got angry and depressed, too, but only for a short time. Believe it or not, I never cried the months following the break-up, all because I was too strong (and like what I’ve said, in denial) to feel that burning desire of crying. But I know that one day, I will eventually cry. And I did. I cried because it has finally dawn on me. I am forced to face the truth. I now have to accept it.