The End Where I Begin

To be honest, I don’t know what I should be typing for this entry or why am I even making one. But one thing is certain; I have to express my feelings through writing.

Have you ever felt it? Butterflies that flutter in your stomach, lack of sleep only to wait for a text message, and suddenly smiling for no apparent reason? Well, I did. And these are just some of the things that paved way for me to fall in love.

Yes, I have been in love. I have felt that tremendous feeling of being treated as someone special and likewise. However, with love comes pain. It is inevitable. And with that fact, it should already be obvious that I have been hurt, too.

Three days ago, it was suppose to be the first anniversary of my then boyfriend. Except that things have changed for the both of us. We never made it on our first anniversary as a couple. It hurts, right? I’d like to believe that most couples would want their relationship to last forever but I did not get my fair share of a happy ending. Not now… not with him. I used to think that once I enter a relationship, I want it to be my first and last one but it definitely didn’t stay true with me. You see, that guy and I broke up a couple of months ago. At first, I was perfectly dealing well with the break-up but just as the day of the anniversary is coming nearer, I’m starting to feel the sadness that it has caused on me. They say grief occurs in five stages. First, there’s denial, followed by anger. Then bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you’re free, you realize you never stood a chance. I have experienced all those five stage. And I must say, I was in denial for the longest time. Denying doesn’t mean that I cannot accept the truth that it was totally over BUT I think of it like the relationship itself never happened. Everything about the two of us was inexistent. Yes, I got angry and depressed, too, but only for a short time. Believe it or not, I never cried the months following the break-up, all because I was too strong (and like what I’ve said, in denial) to feel that burning desire of crying. But I know that one day, I will eventually cry. And I did. I cried because it has finally dawn on me. I am forced to face the truth. I now have to accept it.

Most break-ups turn bad but ours was in a good way. As much as I do not want to let go of that person that I used to love, I need to. I cannot be selfish. I am not the person who is destined to change him for the better, nor is he that person who is going to make me happy through the years. I might have burned the heaven with prayers to salvage our relationship during that time but God has other plans for me. He wanted me to let go because my time with that person has come to an end. I keep on hearing God telling me, “Hannah, it’s time to let go. My purpose of letting you be with that person has ended. It’s time to move forward to My better plans.” And as much as letting go would mean being hurt, I ultimately did. Things may not have transpired the way that I want it to but it was God’s plan, which is better, by the way.

Right now, I could tell you that my heart hasn’t been completely healed yet. But I will get there. It’s okay to be not okay. It’s alright to be lost for a while. One shouldn’t be frightened of going astray because although others have completely given up on us, there is still Someone who will tirelessly search for you notwithstanding the time that He is going to expend just to find you. No matter what is going on with your life, He will always be there. Everything happens for a reason, according to His plan. In some ways, I consider my state of being heartbroken as a blessing. Why? Because I deem that guy to be my northern star. If he did not break my heart, then, I wouldn’t be led to where I am now: back into my Creator’s arms.

To that guy, thank you. Thank you for both the pain and happiness that you have given me. And I’m sorry for all the disappointments that I have carelessly made. I really don’t have anything else to say to you because I have already told everything from the last time that we’ve seen each other. I will never regret a single thing between the two of us. As I have told you, regret doesn’t remind us that we made mistakes, rather, it reminds us that we can do better next time. So even if I wish that I didn’t love you, I am very glad that I do. I am certain that you will never be able to read this but know that I am always, always praying for you to have a great life. I only want the best for you because you truly deserve it. And my last words for you? I hope that you’re living the life that you have always wanted to, and have gained enough outlook to know, as I know, that something doesn’t have to last forever to have value.

At this moment, I am focus on making myself genuinely happy. Knowing what makes me pleased is actually my key of having a life that is full of both laughter and contentment. I have yet to see more of what life is going to offer for me and I couldn't be any more excited with that thought. This experience may have made me lose one person but God has given me tenfold of what I deserve to get. Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are. Don’t let your heart be besieged with fear. Move forward and accept what life is going to throw on you.

I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)